Letters and Words in the 21st Century In Stephen King’s Misery, Paul Sheldon’s N-key malfunctioned on his typewriter, so when he wrote a word like ‘banana,’ it looked like ba a a, which is what a lamb would say. Clinton’s administration is said to have removed all the W-keys from computer keyboards to greet Bush’s administration. When the Bush administration wrote ‘war,’ it looked like ar, which is what someone with a toothache would say. Because Microsoft’s spell-check does not have an avant-garde syntax function, it thinks ba a a and ar are errors in this document. Because Bill Gates is a billionaire, his concerns are elsewhere. The N-word's sociopolitical context has been re-appropriated by the demographic the original word was meant to signify. When someone says ‘sociopolitical’ at a party or during a panel discussion, they sound like an asshole, or A-hole. John Irving’s character Owen Meany had a voice that sounded like a ‘permanent scream,’ so every time Owen said something, John Irving hit the caps lock button. “THE RESULT IS SOMETHING LIKE THIS,” screamed Owen.
Owen Wilson tried to kill himself. In The Royal Tenenbaums, the character played by his brother Luke Wilson also tries to kill himself, while an Elliot Smith song plays in the background. Elliot Smith is chick music a guy can listen to without being gay. Elliot Smith supposedly committed suicide by stabbing himself in the chest two[!] times, though the autopsy report does not rule out possible homicide. Smith’s Japanese girlfriend was in the bathroom when the stabbings occurred. When one thinks ‘Japanese girlfriend of famous musician’ one thinks ‘Yoko Ono.’ The lyric ‘I think I’m turning Japanese, I really think so,’ refers to the Asian-like facial qualities one makes while attaining orgasm. Many Asians feel the song is racist. Ali-G, in a mock interview, calls Andy Rooney a ‘racialist’ after Andy prematurely cuts the interview due to Ali-G’s grammar. Sasha Baron Cohen purposely agitates extreme reactions out of his subjects as an oblique form of political commentary. Generally, people who think Ali-G is funny do not think the same of Andy Rooney; and vice versa. Vice versa is a latin phrase which has permeated today’s vernacular. Other phrases include: ad hoc, bona fide, qui pro quo, summa cum laude, etc. The ‘cum’ in summa cum laude only looks perverse, but functions great on a resume, or curriculum vitae. I print my resumes out on Sandstone 24# because I’m desperate. African-Americans, the Japanese, Republicans, and those who try to kill themselves are all okay people. We have to learn how to get along. Mr. President, please lower my taxes and the age of legal consent. The legal age of consent in France is 15. Why were Camus and Sartre so depressed? I would not feel existential with a nubile on my lap. If this were a high school essay, it would get a C+. The people who got As would go on to better colleges, get better jobs, and lead more rewarding lives. The world would go on. I would continue to eat Cheetos. Then in 2020, when China becomes the world’s super power, everyone will turn Chinese I really think so.
Jimmy Chen’s essays have appeared in Brevity and McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. He is a contributing writer for HTMLGIANT, and maintains The Embassy of Misguided Zen, where all of his writing can be found. He lives in San Francisco.
SHELFLIFEMAGAZINE : issue #005
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