If there's one thing this world needs more of, it's chick flicks. If you are struggling to write your own trite and predictable romantic dramedy, take heart and remember these two simple words: artistic license. By following these three basic steps, even you can bastardize a story beloved for generations by women of all ages.
 
           Step 1) Condense a book with 60+ chapters into a 90-minute movie starring Hollywood's current "it" girl.
 
           This is an especially effective step to follow if only ten years prior the book has been made into a six hour movie that covered the story in its entirety. Waifish Kiera Knightly as a pining Eliza Bennet? Far superior to the fiercely independent powerhouse performance of Jennifer Ehle as the same character in Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. I mean, who even knows who she is? I never see her as tabloid fodder, or rumored to have an eating disorder, so why should I care about her acting? If you can't fit the whole book into this time frame (and why would you want to?), then fill the screen with pretty scenery to distract those pesky viewers who want to see a true adaptation.
 
           Step 2) Replace written dialogue with your own words (surely you know better than the author).
 
           When younger sister Amy burned the manuscript that Jo March had labored on for years in Little Women, Louisa May Alcott had the elder sister cry "in a passion of grief and anger, -- 'You wicked, wicked girl! I never can write it again, and I'll never forgive you as long as I live." That wasn't enough for screenwriter Robin Swicord who wrote the 1994 film version of the book, and had Winona Ryder scream at Kirsten Dunst, "I hate you! I hate you!" If she hadn't added this line, how would the audience have known just how angry Jo was? Vowing never to forgive someone just isn't harsh enough for today's viewers. This movie also excelled at removing all religion from the story, which just makes good sense. I'm sure it was purely accidental that Alcott wrote the four sisters and their mother as God-fearing women, so thankfully someone had the brains to take it out.
 
           Step 3) Completely ignore the plot and write your own story.
 
           This is surely the most genius step of all, and the master of it is Kevin Sullivan. Apparently his creative juices hadn't really started flowing yet in 1985 when he turned Anne of Green Gables into a made-for-TV movie, then followed it up in '87 with Anne of Avonlea. Although these movies don't completely follow the books, they were wildly popular and do abide by the main story that L.M. Montgomery wrote and capture the essence of the characters. Boring! Thankfully in 2000, Sullivan wised up to this fact when he wrote Anne of Green Gables: The Continuing Story. He was so open-minded when creating this movie that he didn't even think to read the other six books in the series that chronicle the marriage of Gilbert and Anne and their lively brood. He wrote a story so far off from that of Montgomery's that he had Gilbert fighting in WWI, a war that their sons in the book actually fought in, and one even sacrificed his life for. They don't even have kids in the movie. Brilliant! Unfortunately, this installment in his series was a flop. Apparently TV viewers aren't progressive thinkers. What do they know?
 
           So what are you waiting for? Go to a bookstore, find a classic book, read its CliffsNotes (or, better yet, don't read it at all) and turn its complex characters into one-dimensional ones. Write whatever script you please and slap on the title of a story written by an author long gone. You'll be doing them a favor by turning their labor of love into something they never meant it to be; at least spinning in their graves gives them something to do in the afterlife.

 

When not pursuing the lofty goal of an undergrad degree by her 10-year high school reunion, Leslie leads the life of a typical 25-year-old: blogging about old-time radio (oldtimeradiogirl.blogspot.com) and memorizing Wiggles songs.