The Perfect Bio

 

When a writer sends out their work to the world (namely journals), usually a short bio is included. They want to know who you are in a mite-sized space. Fifty words is a difficult medium in which to sum yourself up. But one has to try. There is also the challenge of not making this the same type of self-summation the editors have read over and over. I have struggled with this and probably spent more time writing these things than actual prose. That’s kind of depressing, now that I think about it that way. Anyway, I’ve already started and I can’t stop until I achieve…

The Perfect Bio

This is my standard bio:

Ryan Dilbert is a senior contributor to thefootnote.net. His writing has appeared in McSweeney's Internet Tendency, ESC!, Bent Pin Quarterly, Mastodon Dentist, and Getgo Magazine. He lives in Austin, Texas.

This is so boring that I almost fell asleep typing it. I might as well add that I rarely go out on the weekends, that I mostly stick with the missionary position and that I wear a lot of grey.

Here’s one that’s a little more revealing:

Ryan Dilbert is half-Texan, half-Caymanian. He laughs at inappropriate times. He is currently shopping his novel, short story collection and kid sister. He writes a humor column for thefootnote.net.

I’ve revealed my ethnicity, current projects and that I enjoy lame “selling your sister” jokes. That’s quite a bit of stuff.

Going a little deeper:

Ryan Dilbert sweats when writing bios, talks in his sleep, and attempts intimidation tactics during games of boggle.

I show that I am well-versed in post-modernism by referencing the writing of bios within a bio. I also show that I am a weirdo.

This one is nearly a short story in itself:

Ryan Dilbert is probably celebrating some small victory right now by spraying cans of ginger ale himself, either that or wading through self-doubt. He lives in Austin where he is gathering an entourage.


Doesn’t that sound great? The ginger ale part, I mean, not the self-doubt. I should do that more often. Also the entourage is a lie, it is just a daydream that I have disguised as my life. I don’t think your bio should be cooler than you. That’s false advertising.

A truthful one:

Ryan Dilbert weighs less than Tupac Shakur did. He is a teacher, tutor, and writer living in Austin, Texas. He just completed a novel and is contemplating whether or not to show it to his mother. He is constantly uncomfortable.

This says, hey I like rap and I know how much Tupac weighed and I am skinny, and I am versatile. I seem very human in this one, a human that may live in the basement of his mother’s house.

When I published in Six Sentences, this is the bio I sent them:

Ryan Dilbert is probably writing right now or obsessing over the fact that he isn't writing (either that or eating a cookie). He lives in an apartment in Austin, Texas. He's been published in McSweeney's Internet Tendency, ESC!, and The Footnote. He makes really good sauces.

Two food references here. I probably sound fat. Should I include measurements like they do in Playboy? Or turn-offs and turn-ons, do editors want to know that stuff?

This is my bio on Red Fez:

Ryan Dilbert lives in Austin, Texas where he sleeps with a hacksaw under his pillow. He is a good listener, the editor of Shelf Life Magazine, and speaks a little Chinese. He thinks you look great in that outfit.

Even though the hacksaw thing will probably scare all cute girls away, it is like I am flirting with you. That’s a bonus. I contemplated putting my number and describing my bone structure. But maybe I should change Chinese to something more romantic.

Here’s one where I fib:

Ryan Dilbert is a giant, bowler-wearing scorpion.

This is the me I wish I could be. But I would probably send more time destroying skyscrapers and eating villagers than writing short stories and sending them out and getting rejected a hundred times. I don’t think giant scorpions take rejection very well.